you will never know if a man loves you

im not here for self pity, or anything else,.

i only wish to let my demons out so i can have a normal life and be able to raise my kids normally.

I’ve never reached out to anyone, or got help for what happened when i was young,.

but the scars are there, they creep up on me, fooling my mind.

i had a neighbor at my parents place, ill use "boy" as his name.

this boy was and probably still is a manipulator to be discrete, who accomplished to destroy many lives.

Where was i to go. i must of been about 13 when it started.

he would come over to my parents place, knowing he was not allowed to. (my parents knew he was up to no good) and he would request sexual favors. he would not leave without his need full field. he knew i would get in trouble if he was found in our house,. and he knew i was too weak to stand him off.

he would find me around the house behind the fence. in the basement, around the school.

they were using drogues and so i started also. he would pay me off with those.

i cant explain how it came to be "normal"

one of the last times these things happened..

he said to me " you will never know if a man loves you for you, or because of your breasts"

well if someone came up to me now and said this. i would just laugh in their face and think he was an idiot.

but i was mabye 16 or so.

i still see this idiot sometimes when i go to my parents place,

if i had the guts, i don’t think i would do something nice.

all i do is i keep smiling and wave !